Tangent Pt.1

SORRY SORRY, I will finish the oh-so-liberating rant about man and woman, but first I need to devise my LIFE ACTION PLAN! (cough... cough...)

1. Right, so I fucked up all my GCSEs at school. This was probably not a good idea, but I can pass this off on being emotionally disturbed and my whole "I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING UNTIL I'VE EXPERIENCED IT FOR MYSELF" ideology. Also the fact that I didn't fail due to being an academic retard, just a life retard... (This may seem off point, but keep in mind).
2. I decided about a week ago that I most definitely wanted to be a mechanic and do an apprenticeship. Odd choice for a 5ft girl with small hands, you may say. Well, yes. I went for an interview at a garage and the fucking cunt manager just stared at my tits the whole time. Plus, I don't actually give a shit about cars, only bikes. So sorry, "Skillnet" - I was wrong. I actually don't want to fix cars.
3. However, I still want to learn how to fix bikes; Only maybe not as a permanent job type thing. SO, I have deduced (thank you, internet) that I could possibly do a part time course in Motor Vehicle Repair & Maintenence (motorcycle award) at Kensington & Chelsea college. Sounds good no?
4. However (II), I most probably don't want to be a mechanic for the rest of my life, because as you all know, I am intellectually gifted etc... And I do quite like writing stuff. Hence, I should probably get some solid qualifications, no? Refer to point number one. I have 3 GCSEs; and one would assume upon the results that I was fairly good at maths, alright at science, and really fucking shit at English. Which is obviously wrong. (Fun fact for you here; I got something like 80 marks out of 82 in my English Literature exam, but because Edexcel are cunts and I didn't bother doing any coursework, the fucking bastards gave me a U. FUCK YOU EDEXCEL. I FUCKING HATE YOU). SO, we can deduce from this information that I cannot do a levels (or preferrably the International Baccalaureate) at a standard college, unless I redo my GCSEs. Now, far be it from me to think that GCSEs are pointless/shit/stupidly easy, but I refuse to spend another year of my life studying stuff that I already know, to take exams I could pass now with minimal revision/effort. BUT! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY IS IT?!?!?!?! Of course not. Fuck you, government. Fuck you, money. I could take my GCSEs online with ICS; do you know how much that costs? £249.00. Ah. Aye, there's the nub... So, I'm in a bit of a situation...
5. I didn't really need this to be an extra point, but I felt like point 4 was getting a bit long, and I know you fuckers get bored easily because you are simple minded and weak (I never said that!) so I thought I'd separate a bit. Erm, where was I? Oh yeah. So I want to do this IB thing, because quite frankly it sounds fucking awesome - http://www.stanmore.ac.uk/News/IB_Courses.asp - BUT for that you need "a strong profile of GCSE results, typically seven subjects at grade B or above". FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
6. My options at the moment therefore look something like this: A) Fuck education, get job at supermarket and stay there for rest of life. Educate self through reading Plato and Germaine Greer books. Quote Kafka to people as they walk past my aisle. B) Pay £1,000 to do four GCSEs, get A* in all of them. Do part time bike mechanics course at Ken & Chelsea. Do IB, get amazing grades, go to Oxford, be the brightest/most forward-thinking English student in the history of time. Write books, get money, travel word, have fast/loud bikes, be attractive untill some time in 2050, then die from choking on gold-plated smoked salmon nibbles.

Who wants to lend me a grand?