Hard

Why so?

Do you know how it feels to have a constantly conflicting personality? To ask yourself questions that contradict each other 24/7? I feel like I've turned my mind into a battleground, I've unearthed these despicable traits that I didn't even know I had. Sorry for the inherent use of cliches but I'm my own worst enemy and best friend at the same time.

I've worked so hard to extract my demons, to push away the things that make me unhappy, but in the end it all comes down to the same thing. No matter what your environment, who your friends are, or what drugs you're doing, if you hate yourself (or even, just a tiny part of yourself - or if you only hate yourself sometimes) then you'll never succeed. I've learned this the hard way, through years of trying to figure out problems, or what I want to do, I've failed, fallen at every hurdle, because I am constantly at war with myself. [Sorry for the cliche. Again].

So, this is my problem; I've got it there, typed by my own hand, staring back at me. What do I do to fix it? Nothing? I've been chipping away at it for years and nothing seems to have happened, so maybe if I leave my brain to it's own devices it'll settle and find some sort of equilibrium...

And then there's that issue. Oh, I was so sure that I didn't need it. I am Emily Everitt; I am strong enough to stand alone and fight my own battles. I don't need anyone to lean on, I said. And I was convinced of that, so I went on and did what I needed to do. Funny how things change, isn't it? Things seem to have done some crazy ninja switching shit, and now I'm weaker than ever.

What am I doing awake at 4:18am, posting my innermost thoughts on a public blog? Who knows. Maybe I'm one of those grubby attention-seeking whores that I've read so much about.



I'm so cold. I'm actually wearing a coat in bed. Fuck this shit.